Where you go I'll go, where you stay I'll stay

So I should be packing for Hawaii instead of blogging. You are going to Hawaii, you ask? Nahhhh, but I should be. Dave and I decided at our 20th anniversary not to go to Hawaii...it would be a better plan to go at our 25th. Well that is today. 25 years on the 25th. That makes it silver for 25 years and golden because of the whole 25/25 thing. That's neither here nor there. Truthfully, I could care less about Hawaii...but I'd sure love to have my guy here to go on a trip...even just to Walmart at this point...to get Christmas lights....that aren't LED...but I digress.

Never in my thoughts did I ever think I'd be alone at my age. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and they asked for all the couples to come out to the floor and little by little they called out years together until the last couples standing were at a fabulous 55+ years. What an awesome thing. I'm thrilled for all those couples...at 1 day or 55 years. The whole word "couple" is what got to me. So I sat, and watched, and felt a tear or two drop.

I guess it's just gotten so magnified lately how things have changed because I'm not a "couple". Dave and I were not prone to do couple things. In fact, it was very very rare in our 22 1/2 years that we did things with other couples. But lately it seems like more couples are going on trips together and outings together. What I never noticed before I so much notice now. And I hate that I notice.

And then there is this whole "widow" word........

The sermon a few weeks ago was about Naomi/Ruth/Boaz. A bible story we've heard before, but it hit me a whole other way that day, and every day since then. Boaz, the near kinsman, the kinsman redeemer...."in the law of Israel, a principle called the kinsman redeemer. When someone was widowed, it was the responsibility of an unmarried man in the family to take her as his bride, so that she was not destitute. Rather than take another woman out of a family, that family already should take care of its own, and so the law of what was called levirate marriage, kinsman marriage, was that the nearest unmarried man would take the widow for his own bride so that she might not be left destitute."

The way I took this was a male relative, who should act as head of the household, coming to the "rescue" of his female relative in her time of need. So it never crossed my mind the whole marriage meaning to this definition of near kinsman, but the thought crashed over me like a ton of bricks that day the lack of presence in my life of the 2 men that should be taking care of me....my brothers. Neither one is present in my life, and haven't been for a while. Let me clarify that this is perfectly okay with me. I've been there, done that, so over it. But this huge wave of hurt and disappointment has been weighing me down since that sermon thinking, wow, my own flesh and blood have NEVER cared to see how I've been doing these 2 1/2 years since Dave's death, but they never did in the years before either, so why does this surprise me? High expectations I guess. Oh, one of them did call the day after Dave died. I guess I should be honored since I hadn't heard from him 8 years prior since a disagreement over my dad's will. The other one, well he's just too wrapped up in his world to know that I exist or that Dave doesn't anymore.

So why, when I had resolved and had peace that they were no longer a part of my life did this painful crush come back to burden me?

I have pulled away from all the disappointment in my life. It's the only thing that makes sense to me to feel peace.  Dave is gone EVERYDAY, and everyday I need someone to truly care. And thank God they do.  The "Boaz" that has risen up in our lives are those friends that surround us every day. So many see a need that I don't even see and fill it. All I have to do is ask and precious people come to our aid. God has been so good to place these selfless people in our lives. You know who you are!! So if I hug you one day and call you my Boaz, I hope you understand. I see it as you taking care of me and the girls and I hope you know we notice and never take for granted a single thing that all of you have done for us these past years. Even if it's just to listen or giving us a hug.

So I'm not packing for Hawaii, but I'm just a bit jealous that my sweetie is spending our anniversary in a PARADISE far greater than any earthly tropical paradise. And if I know him, he's convinced our Maker that Coconut Rum IS heavenly, with a little Coke Zero of course :)

I love you 365 days a year.....

Ohhhhhh Valentine's Day....people either love you or despise you. I feel neither. Dave and I never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day. Oh wait, well our first Valentine's as a married couple he was out of town. So we celebrated on the 15th. The next year he thought it would be special to celebrate on the 15th again, but he forgot to tell me that. So I was pretty ticked on the 14th. So needless to say that tradition didn't last long. Nice try buddy. Then when little sweet baby girls came along, our Valentine's day became more of sharing our love as a family rather than just the two of us. Then.......I became a preschool teacher. And Valentines day was full of helping the little ones show their love for each other and for their families. So the gushy, smooshy love stuff that Valentine's might mean to some never really applied to us. Just a day to buy each other our favorite candy (or for Dave, his favorite pistachios).

Maybe we should have spent more time concentrating on each other, making the day more special, but we loved each other 365 days of the year. We were always so practical....So today didn't particularly bother me to be alone. It bothers me EVERY DAY to be alone. No more magnified today than any other. I can buy my own dang candy (and I did, hee hee). And I never wanted flowers...they weren't practical. They just
died, and I had to clean the nasty water, and it just wasn't......practical. But he still bought them. But one year, his brilliant self, bought me this felt/silk flower. You know, this everlasting "flower" that would forever show his love. Really? But I have kept this flower in a place that I see it every day, but never really look at it. Just a thing to take up space and collect dust.

But recently I looked at it closer. I never ever realized it had "I love you" embossed on one of the petals. How did I miss that? I saw it had some kind of design on it, but never knew it said "I love you". My guy was so sweet!!! Little did he know that buying me that lifeless flower he would be sending a message so much later of his love for me. I will cherish it even more now. I will remember his love was not just stronger on one day, but he loved me all 365 days.

Don't wait until Valentine's Day to show those around you that you love them. Never take for granted one single day. I'm glad I knew my guy's love everyday!! And I'm glad God has reminded me of that by using that little flower