"And the two shall become one....'til death do us part"

'Til Death Do Us Part.....

Twenty-three years ago, almost to this very minute, Dave and I were lighting the candles symbolizing our lives coming together,  from two to one.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Gen 2:24. 

 I remember vehemently saying I would never say "obey" in my wedding ceremony...I was an independent, strong woman, and there was no way I was going to be oppressed by saying "obey". But it was explained to me that obey was to respect Dave as the head of our household. Oh, okay....then I can say it!!  And this was something for almost 23 years that I never had a problem "obeying"! Yes, there were many times, sometimes on a daily basis I would question or argue his decisions. Either they did not fit my plan, or they were just plain wrong..in my eyes. But they were always about things that didn't matter in the long run. When it came down to the important things in life, that is where I respected his authority as head of the household. And that brought me comfort knowing he was taking care of things, and taking care of us.

So this "two shall become one" thing....never had a problem with that. It is perfect description of a Godly marriage where you walk as one, in following God's plan for your life, respecting each other and living a life loving God, loving each other, loving your family and those that God has placed into your path, living a life of devotion, dedication, integrity and gratuity. Two walking the same path are stronger and there is nothing, with God's help, that you cannot overcome. 

So that brings us to "Til Death Parts us". How does this work? First we said "two shall become one...then "til death parts us". What happens now????? Am I a half? Am I back to being one again? I didn't get any say-so in this....I don't want to be a half, or back to being my own one. But I have to and I don't know how to proceed. And I just feel very very lost.....and empty.

Twenty-three years is a long time....and do you know how many anniversaries in 23 years I remember vividly? Two!! Sad but true. I remember our 15th because we spent it in Eureka Springs. I remember our 22nd because it was spent in a van driving back from Arkansas to get home to see Julie who had gone to the last A&M/TU game and could not join us in AR for the family gathering. And why don't I remember the rest? Because Dave and I were practical. My birthday is the Nov 16th and our Anniversary is Nov 25th and Thanksgiving was in there somewhere every year and Christmas not far behind. One year, Dave tried to give me one diamond earring for my birthday and one for my anniversary. He never tried that again. But in our practicality, we would overlook or let our anniversary celebration pass by usually doing some home improvement as a gift to each other and usually never even went to dinner. A lot of our anniversaries were spent on a Thanksgiving trip to Arkansas with Dave's family because of how the date fell. It was our choice to not celebrate it as it should have been...and it was only today that I realized how resentful I was of that. I have no memories of the most important date in our marriage because we just didn't take the time to reflect, remember, reminisce about the day that God joined us as ONE.

For our 20th anniversary we were going to take a trip to Hawaii...not sure why we didn't..something practical I'm sure..so we pushed it to our 25th. Oh well.....  And last year's anniversary gift was when my love decided to get up early one Saturday morning and buy all brand new Christmas lights for the outside of the house. By the time I woke up, the lights were almost put up and all working. What a precious gesture...right?.....well his sweet gesture to me did not include what I truly wanted and instead what he wanted which was LED lights. I hate LED lights. I wanted my house to be warm and inviting and instead it looked like Disney's electrical parade. So as sweet as it was that he intended, those lights will NOT be up on my house this year. Partly because I HATE LED lights, and partly from the sadness it brings that he is not here to put them up for me, and another part of my joy in ragging at him for buying LED lights (had to throw that in there). But it was just one of the things that he did to take care of us, to make it nice..it might not have been totally what I wanted, but he showed me his love through all kinds of gestures that I miss so very much.

We used to sit and try to remember our first song.......of course he couldn't really remember because I was the one that got to pick the sappy lovey dovey first song..and with Dave listening to RUSH, Black Sabbath, Lynard Skynard and the Rolling Stones, I wasn't sure exactly what kind of "love" song I was going to get if I let him do the picking. So our first song was Kenny Rogers "Crazy": 

I guess I'm crazy
Crazy for you can't you see
Although you may think it's crazy
Here it's where I'll always be
And I need you with me

'cause you are the dream
That finally came true in me
In all my life there'll be no one else
If I looked all my life
There could be no one else
And for the rest of my life
All I need is you.

And then there was another dance together with "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray:

I'll always remember the song they were playin'
The first time we danced and I knew
As we swayed to the music and held to each other
I fell in love with you

[Chorus:]
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life
Would you be my partner every night
When we're together it feels so right
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life

I'm thinking I did pretty good...two songs...sappy and loving and wedding dance perfect...but the moment that he ALWAYS remembered was our last dance that night..the song he got to pick...and as we danced to it and I sang it into his ear (and as I just looked up the lyrics realized after 23 years that I got about half the words right), he used to tell me that everything around us faded away and he just remembers the two of us together dancing......"Dreamin" by Vanessa Williams

I'll be dreamin', dreamin'Hopin' baby you will be there
And we were there..there for each other for almost 23 years. And I can think of no place I would have rather been....I wish God had it in HIS plan that we had more time together. We had plans of travelling...selling the house and getting a travel trailer and seeing the country (hahahahaha). The girls would say "you will kill each other being together all the time like that." We loved the joke!!
I am blessed to look into my three beautiful daughters' faces and see our love being lived out in them. They loved their daddy so much and how blessed they were to have such a special man in their life that they looked up to, who showed them how to love and be loved as an example of what we pray for in their own lives...and to not settle for anything less than a Godly man, who will treat them as their father treated me until his last breath. 
I'm so sad on this day not to be sharing it with my love, but I am blessed to have the many wonderful memories that I hold so dear. And I thank God that He allowed me to have Dave even if it was for a little while.....

In My Heart I thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new...

I thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name.

Now all I have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake,

with which I'll never part.

God has you in Heaven,

I have you in my heart.

Author Unknown

The Last "I love you"

It was about 3:30am on May 8th when we said our last "I love you's".  Though we didn't know it would be our last. He was having a hard time breathing, but kept pulling off the mask they had put on him..he felt too claustrophobic. I had tried to settle into my chair while they worked and worked on him. But I heard the nurse call my name in the early hours to tell me that they needed to intubate him. Okay sure, do what you need to do to help him to breath. I didn't know that when they asked me to leave the room while they intubated him, that when we said "I love you", it would be our last. Just our usual, "I love you", "I love you too". No big deal...they would help him breath for a while until they made him all better. 

I remember the before, the during and the after in those wee hours, but it's a blur. I remember leaving to go home after they asked me to leave his room so I could shower and pack a few things to come back. I had not slept, but going home I felt okay...until "Hurt and the Healer" came on the radio on the ride home. 

"Even though a part of me has died...."

I felt like it was a message....I had been listening to songs the whole ride home, but this one made me stand up and take notice and I hung on every word....and that "part of me had died" resonated in my head. 

As I headed back to the hospital after no sleep, by the grace of God I got back there safely. I think I fell asleep more than a few times driving back. I just needed to get back.....

I no sooner arrived back to his room when a brazen doctor outside his room said to me "are you by yourself?" .... "yes"......"well you need to have some family with you"..."huh?" I was thinking that she felt I needed some company to keep me occupied for some reason...it was odd to me...I told her I was okay alone. Then she repeated herself..."you need to call your family to come." WHAT???? And let the blur and numbness begin.....and I've been on autopilot since. 

Today I remember our last "I love you" as I picked up my diamond in it's new setting. I cried all through this process. The moment the jeweler popped it out of it's old setting, simultaneously the tears began to flow knowing that part of my life was over...just another nasty reminder. When they were showing me new settings for the ring, I saw many that were so pretty, but I kept coming back to this "broken heart" setting...the pointed bottom of the heart was cut out..for a diamond to be set in it's place. I kept looking through pages, but kept coming back to that. I had found it..the new home for my love's gift to me....a broken heart filled with the diamond that represented his love for me. And I chose it for my love for him...for he will always be forever in my heart....