In My Heart I thought of you with love today,
but that is nothing new...
I thought about you yesterday,
and days before that too.
I think of you in silence,
I often speak your name.
Now all I have are memories,
and your picture in a frame.
Your memory is my keepsake,
with which I'll never part.
God has you in Heaven,
I have you in my heart.
Author Unknown
The Last "I love you"
It was about 3:30am on May 8th when we said our last "I love you's". Though we didn't know it would be our last. He was having a hard time breathing, but kept pulling off the mask they had put on him..he felt too claustrophobic. I had tried to settle into my chair while they worked and worked on him. But I heard the nurse call my name in the early hours to tell me that they needed to intubate him. Okay sure, do what you need to do to help him to breath. I didn't know that when they asked me to leave the room while they intubated him, that when we said "I love you", it would be our last. Just our usual, "I love you", "I love you too". No big deal...they would help him breath for a while until they made him all better.
I remember the before, the during and the after in those wee hours, but it's a blur. I remember leaving to go home after they asked me to leave his room so I could shower and pack a few things to come back. I had not slept, but going home I felt okay...until "Hurt and the Healer" came on the radio on the ride home.
"Even though a part of me has died...."
I felt like it was a message....I had been listening to songs the whole ride home, but this one made me stand up and take notice and I hung on every word....and that "part of me had died" resonated in my head.
As I headed back to the hospital after no sleep, by the grace of God I got back there safely. I think I fell asleep more than a few times driving back. I just needed to get back.....
I no sooner arrived back to his room when a brazen doctor outside his room said to me "are you by yourself?" .... "yes"......"well you need to have some family with you"..."huh?" I was thinking that she felt I needed some company to keep me occupied for some reason...it was odd to me...I told her I was okay alone. Then she repeated herself..."you need to call your family to come." WHAT???? And let the blur and numbness begin.....and I've been on autopilot since.
Today I remember our last "I love you" as I picked up my diamond in it's new setting. I cried all through this process. The moment the jeweler popped it out of it's old setting, simultaneously the tears began to flow knowing that part of my life was over...just another nasty reminder. When they were showing me new settings for the ring, I saw many that were so pretty, but I kept coming back to this "broken heart" setting...the pointed bottom of the heart was cut out..for a diamond to be set in it's place. I kept looking through pages, but kept coming back to that. I had found it..the new home for my love's gift to me....a broken heart filled with the diamond that represented his love for me. And I chose it for my love for him...for he will always be forever in my heart....
No comments:
Post a Comment