24 years ago....'Til Death Do Us Part....#2...and it still stinks.....

24 years ago 11/25/89....'Til Death Do Us Part....#2...and it still stinks.....

I still can't figure out what that means..." 'Til death do us part"?????? Yeah, then what? I'm free? I can start again? I can do something different? Or do I continue on the same way..just alone? I hate that phrase....

It sounded so permanent at our wedding..." "til death do us part". Wow, this means a really long time...forever even....we will grow old together and it will seem like forever....so when we got old, when we died, we will have experienced all life had to offer....and then "til death do us part" was going to be okay because would have really lived life and would be ready to live forever in Heaven.

So that got screwed up.....by my standards. God's plan, God's plan, God's plan..yeah yeah yeah. I know there is a plan. HIS plan A, MY plan Z.....not my plan A....B...C or D..or.....or.......or

When you get it in your head that life is about growing up, getting married, having kids, having weddings, having grandkids, maybe even great-grandkids and the person you were supposed to share that all with is gone, it just seems like my story is over and I'm just in limbo. Yes, I will have weddings and grandkids and maybe great-grandkids (God willing) but it feels like something is so not right.

I have had several people ask me if I would date again, marry again. The question makes me want to puke. My response is "not unless God has a sick sense of humor". Been there, done that, not interested because I had the best and do not care to start again. For many reasons that are locked up in my little brain, it's not even a situation I care to ever entertain. Thinking a dog is more of a practical answer for companionship.

A while ago a friend who was just married 25 years posted some music from back then. Reminded me of the music that Dave and I would call "our" songs. One song in particular was supposed to be our first dance. But back in the days before iTunes and YouTube, we were at the mercy of the record stores and this one-hit wonder was not to be found. But I did find it on YouTube the other day and laughed because it sounded like it should have been in the movie "Rock of Ages" and cried because it was OUR song. So yes, I'm posting it so you can hear it. Missing my guy every single day, in so many ways. Thankful for the beautiful girls we had that comfort me and love me and make me proud. Happy 24th Anniversary honey..wish we were spending it together.....

When I'm With You Lyrics 

I never needed love like I need you
And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun
Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone
Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

I never cared for nobody like I care for you
And I never wanted to share the things I want to share with you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you...

"Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see"

(picture aboveborrowed from The Darting Sparrow blog)

Sixteen months ago already.....it seems like just a blink ago. In the hustle and bustle of getting 3 beauties ready to go off to college and starting my next step in the journey into this new world God has planned out for me, I haven't really had time nor taken the time to truly mourn. Today I woke up and just shook my head in bewilderment that it's been 16 months....I've been living in a fog. I think I was just doing what it took to get by. But now I have a lot of quiet time...time to reflect and reminisce and miss him, and mourn what never will be. I know the girls are hurting and are missing their daddy and I just have done what I needed to do to keep things as normal for them as I could so that at least something in their lives was constant.

But now as I sit here alone each day, I wrestle with the agony of knowing that there are things that need to change. The house being the biggest thing. It's too much to take care of, it costs too much to take care of, it's too big to be alone in. Now those that know me, know that I have plenty of stuff to keep this big house full and cluttered, but it's not full of the things that matter. I'm talking to fish, people!! This can't be healthy.

I have started the interviewing process after using the summer to research and rehearse and revise my resume, my life on paper. I have had 2 face-to-face interviews so far and praying that I hear good news. I'm ready to have a routine, whatever is going to be my new normal. Bring it on!!

I've heard it said the second year is the hardest.......You supposedly come out of this fog and BAM...it really is true and it still stinks. It's always going to stink. I think I'm to the mad part. And though "I know HE watches me", I'm just still mad. I love you Lord, but I am JUST MAD!! and sad....

I thank God for my friends and my community...you have been here for the girls and I, and continue to do so. I love when so many of you see things with birds on them, or something lemony, it reminds you of me or the girls and I hope you pray for us when that happens....sometimes I'm just too mad to pray....

But deepest down I know that God loves me and has a plan for me...of course it's not my plan. Not quite sure how His plan is better than mine was, but I'm ready for the big reveal. Can't imagine I will go "OH! I get it". How can a plan without my sweet guy in it to share my days ahead be better?....but I will trust...and wait....and try not to be so mad...

You know my family is deeply moved and defined by music. So many times God gives us a song at just the right time...for a moment, or a day, or longer. I was introduced to the songs by a singer named Audrey Assad by my dear friend Brian. I am in love with her music and her voice and of course how I first noticed her music was when I saw a song in the playlist called "Sparrow". Of course I had to listen to it. Click on this link to listen...

The history of the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow" as written on the blog The Darting Sparrow:

A woman named Civilla Martin wrote the lyrics to this hymn.  Here is the story behind it, in her own words:

Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York.  We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle, true saints of God.

Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years.  Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair.  Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them.

One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it.  Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me.  The hymn "His Eye is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience....

The next day, Civilla mailed the poem to Charles Gabriel, who supplied the music; 

One line in the 2nd verse of the traditional song is one I never noticed until now but is so fitting for how I feel especially these days...

"Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;"

I only see one step at a time...but I know He leadeth me...and He watches me....I will trust this...