Friday, March 24, 2017

Let go and let God...easier said than done...




Self-inflicted emotional pain. That is what happens when you don't "let God". Torment, anger, doubt, insecurity, jealousy, great sadness, inability to focus, allowing the devil to control all thoughts and deeds...this is what happens when you don't "let God". 

The past days have been the most emotionally painful I think I've had since Dave passed away. Just stuff that has built and built and exploded.  Words spewed like fireworks and singed everything and everyone they touched. If I had only "let God"...but for some reason I wanted to feel the burn. Who does that? I felt so out of control and so out of body. I didn't even know who I was, as if I were possessed.  My eyes were swollen from tears of self-pity. Focus? none.  Productivity? zero.   Heartache? 100% .....all because I didn't LET GOD.


Words can build but they can also break. I'm very good at breaking things. And once broken, it is so hard to repair. It's never quite the same. Mended on the outside but still crushed and crumbled on the inside...and you never quite know how much damage has been done. If I had only "let God..." because I was breaking too. 


God never left me these days. I can only imagine He was standing right beside me shaking His head watching me spin out of control and that He was ready to grab ahold right before I dropped. I know better. Why did I let myself get so far from Him? Ahhhh satan....I let him in. I let the evil one direct my steps instead of letting my loving Director. He surrounded me with earthly angels that cared for me in spite of myself. 



I asked people to pray for me because I just couldn't seem to do it myself. Why was I so afraid to "let God" in? It's not like He didn't already know what I had done...did I think I could hide?
But pray they did and words became softer and the warmth of peace filled me. I didn't realize how cold inside I had been. All evil seemed to melt away. Then and only then was I able to pray myself. Oh dear, now more tears, different tears, humbled and repentant tears, healing tears. 

And then....I "Let go and let GOD" and prayed. My Jesus Calling is always on my desk and the last page it was on was March 4th...20 days ago. I decided to flip to today's writing and there you go.......what? I was supposed to LET GO today. Go figure. 











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