I AM TRYING TO CHOOSE......JOY
May 12th....here you are again...you are not my most favorite day of the year. It's not your fault...no offense....you will just never be a day that I look forward to coming each year. I try not to dwell, I try to keep distracted, I try to keep positive, I try to trust, I try to choose JOY. But on this not-so-joyful anniversary of the day my life changed forever, it's hard not to replay it all in my mind and be comforted to know this was God's will and it was part of His plan and that I need to be joyful in spite of it. 
You would think as the years pass that it would be better. It is in some ways, in that I'm not living in a fog and just going through the motions of life to get through each day. But most days lately I wish I still lived in that fog....and that I had the excuse to still be numb and naive.....to use the excuse that my husband just died and that is why "this" and "that" and "the other". But it's been 4 years and I shouldn't be feeling this way anymore right? No excuses, chin up...As distance grows from May 12, 2012, I have realized my "aloneness" more and more. I'm more aware that I am alone in raising my girls, and taking care of this blasted house, and the cars, and the bills, and everything else that comes with the everyday drudgery of life on this earth. Yes, I know God is always with me. I sure wish He would pay the bills sometime. He could at least fix the darn fence. Miracles do happen you know.
This morning I saw that Sarah Young, the author of "Jesus Calling" would be releasing a new 365 day devotional called "Jesus Always". They had a sampling of the new book to read and this entry grabbed my attention as I started my day and wondered about what I would blog about today. The word JOY kept coming to me. WHAT???? JOY???? yeah right, the anniversary of the day I had to make the decision to take the love of my life off life support...you want me to write about JOY?????
Every year at Christmas, our local Christian radio station runs a campaign called #ICHOOSEJOY. They repeat the "joy pledge" many times during the holiday season, but it is definitely ingrained year-round. And how true...."When I keep my eyes on Jesus, I have joy." The situation might still be cruddy but it can be handled much differently than relying on myself.
It's hard to understand that JOY is a choice. I want to feel joy without having to work for it. I don't want to have to search for it. I want to wake up feeling it. But I think this is why I needed this devotion today. I make the choice how to approach the day. There is a lot of stress, anxiety and just plain crappiness that I can experience in a day, but how I choose to approach it is on me. Instead of trying to handle it myself, I need to remember "He will never leave me or forsake me" for He is my JOY. My favorite part of this devotion is the promise that "I will come back and take you to be with me in heaven--that you may be where I am forever..." And to that I say "Come quickly Lord Jesus". But until then, I am going to try to choose Joy. Dave would want it that way. He brought such joy...well a lot of the times he brought annoyance and aggravation but that's because he was being a goof when I was trying to be serious :) I guess most people that would see him would describe Dave as joyful....I didn't see it that way sometimes haha. But he was always smiling, even in the face of his illness. There was an overwhelming peace he felt when he experienced God's presence in his hospital room and called me with tears of joy telling me about it. He was always so strong.
I miss you my sweet guy more than any words I could write...that will never change. I can't wait for the day that the Lord brings me home and I get to see you again. Until then, behave....
I had the realization that the word "Joy" must mean something different to God than how I typically think of that word when I thought about the verse "for the joy set before Him he endured the cross, scorning its shame and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." I had the thought, joy can not always be found in my current circumstances, but it's a promise and a focus...it's the "fix your eyes on" this to get through your present circumstances. For Christ we- the Church are his joy and was his focus during His pain and now He is ours... He is our joy.
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Tami. You're not alone in your aloneness.
Much love!