Yesterday I started another journey within my journey. I rejoined Weight Watchers. I had worked so hard to lose weight over a year ago..and then just let it all go and stopped walking and started mindless eating until I gained it all back, plus 13 more pounds. I have no one to blame but myself. Can't blame my situation either.  Just got lazy. It's hard work to lose weight and exercise....and it comes back on a lot faster than it takes to lose it. And I knew what I was doing, but didn't care. It was easier to just go out and buy bigger clothes again rather than stop to plan and make better choices. 


But now....I begin again....I'm embarrassed and sad that I let it come back to this, but last night at my meeting I was welcomed back with open arms. I have a precious leader who's husband is going through chemo at MD Anderson. He has been through a lot, but yet he sits at the desk to great all of us and encourage us no matter what the scale shows. They have both been on this journey together...in weight loss and now in the journey to battle his cancer. And then there is her mama, that comes to every meeting too. She's so precious!! Their day begins by making sure mama has all she needs for her diabetes, and he has what he needs for his chemo but yet they smile....the light of God shines through them!! 


So I begin again....one step at a time....knowing that I'm not expected to run the mile, but knowing God will give me the strength go to the distance...and loved at every step of the way no matter what!!

Today I got to spend the entire day with a very dear friend. Well sort of.....I was blessed to be able to be there for her to take her for an outpatient procedure. She was so sweet because at one point she said she was sorry...because she did not realize that being in a hospital would be hard for me. No big deal...wasn't even the same situation, so it wasn't going to be hard.


Well my sweet friends' recovery went longer than it was planned, so you know me..I don't know a stranger and befriended a dear lady in the waiting room. I had a fabulous conversation with her about her family. She was 1 of 9 children. Her mom lived until the age of 87 and her dad lived until 107 (and died with all his own teeth and not a cavity to be found)  Her aunt is still alive at 101. I asked her what she attributed their long life span to and she said the only thing she can think of was no processed foods..(hmmmm as I was drinking a big ol' diet Coke).


So then she asked me about my story....and so I told her how life has been lately. Not sure what I said that made her say this, but she said I was an "inspiration" to her and was impressed that I could be there in the hospital after only 2 months of Dave being gone. Again, what's the big deal? It's not even the hospital that Dave was in when he died, so not even the same scenario. 


The nurse came to get me, it was time to take my friend home. Got to the recovery room and the nurse started to tell me what we needed to know to be able to take her home, what meds she needed to take..how to take care of the wound, what she could and could not do. And then it happened...thankfully my friend was completely out of it from pain meds...the tears just poured...and poured....the memories just came flooding back like a giant wave. But not of Dave, but of my mom. 


My mom has been gone for 24 1/2 years. She died when I was 24yrs old (so now you know my age).  She was sick for nearly my whole life with one thing or another. I can't remember a time that she was well. When I was younger, she was sick with Psoriatic Arthritis, which I was bummed to inherit. They did not have the meds like they have now for arthritis, so I always remember her having so much pain. When I was in my teens, she became a diabetic and she did not take care of herself and had a stroke. Who found her? Me. Who called the ambulance? Me. Who ALWAYS had to call the ambulance? Me :( My dad did not handle stress well, so he would "check out" to go smoke a cigarette when things got beyond handling.) So there I was, left as child/teen/young adult, left to make decisions that I did not want to make. 


Twenty-five years ago, this past Wednesday I know exactly where I was. While my sweet niece was born in a hospital across town, I was in another hospital with my mom while she was having her leg amputated from gangrene. A few days prior I was out of town for a friends' wedding and came home to find my mom's leg full of gangrene...but dad was too upset to call the ambulance once again, so there I was again calling to get her to the hospital. When the surgery was over, dad was not with me in the waiting room so they came to me to ask if we wanted to keep the leg. "Excuse me?, Um why would I want to do that". I was told that in some religions they do not believe the body is whole if it's not buried together, so they wanted to know if I wanted the bury the leg. Um, no. I told them to to throw it out, ugh!! 


There is so much more to the story of caring for mom during this time and the time from her amputation to her death in February 1988 from complications due to her uncontrolled diabetes. I saw more and did more for my mom than any child should have to. And this is why the tears started...the flood of uncontrollable tears that had me think of who would take care of ME now? I would never want my girls to do for me that I did for my mom. I took care of Dave, he took care of me. And I just stood there looking at my sweet friend thinking all I had to do was get her home and her husband was there to take over. 


I do want to say that my dad was a wonderful man. He loved my mom so much that it hurt him so bad to see her hurting that he just could not handle it and needed help getting her the care she needed. I don't hold it against him...it took me a while to figure it out, but I finally understood it. He really did take amazing care of her, and it's hard when someone does not want to care for themselves. There is only so much you can do. My dad has been gone 8 years..I'm sure that is a whole other blog....


I know if and when the time comes, that God will provide the perfect person to care for me....be it family or friends. In my weak moment today it also reminded me why I am strong. Each experience I have had has made me stronger, but I am reminded that I am not strong on my own....I know I get my strength from above....

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you

The LORD is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm -

He will watch over your life;

The LORD will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.

                                                       Psalm 121

Looking back, looking forward..these days I'm all over the place...in my thoughts, in what I do, in what I'm supposed to do, what I should have done....And it will never make sense...and for someone who is a perfectionist, this causes a lot of anxiety...


Looking back....2 months ago today I had to make the hardest decision I've ever had to make. The girls and I with friends and family at our constant side had to make a decision to remove life support of the person we loved the most on this earth. And it just did not make sense.....

Because looking back....on the very day this picture was taken we had just found out a few hours before that not one, but two bone marrow donors had been found for Dave.....so it didn't make sense that 5 days after this picture was taken I was told that I needed to call family because sepsis had taken over and there was no hope.....and that just did not make sense......

Because looking back......The Lord had come to Dave while in the hospital during his last round of chemo. It was something we did not share on facebook because we wanted Dave to tell it as his testimony...but he never got to tell it...except through the written word. Helena had given him a journal before he went in for his last chemo to journal his journey. We are so thankful that he documented his experience and Pastor Brian shared at Dave's service....

Looking back...it didn't make sense..... 


because looking forward.....we felt like Jesus was saying it was all going to be okay.....


because looking forward.....we were told a few days later 2 donors were found.....


but looking back now it seems....the Lord was looking forward to be there one step ahead of what was to come....HE never left us, HE was always there..and HE was right..it was all going to be okay...but not the okay we had hoped for...complete healing on this earth....so now...


looking forward...we try to live with God's plan for us....not a new plan for HIM, it was always HIS plan we'd be at this place. It sure isn't our plan though. But we know HE will never leave us or forsake us.....because...

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."     
                                                             Deuteronomy 31:8

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19

Why am I showing you a picture of my storage room? What could possibly be in there that is worthy of talking about today? It's not what is IN the storage room, it's the storage room itself. My sweetie built this room for me so I that I could move all my boxes from Aggie Moms and preschool into it, the boxes that blocked his table saw. He never really had a project to use the saw, but you never know when he was going to need it and it was as constant battle for space in the garage. So out of love, he built me a room to store my things rather than make me quit the very things that caused such clutter in our life. How's that for love?? :)

Yesterday was the first day I have been in the storage room since before Dave went in the hospital for the last time....and I did okay getting some things I needed to get for someone. But then I turned and really looked and just wept and wept and wept....

So there it is...nothing worth crying over...the middle shelf stores all my preschool boxes, in order of theme of how I use them in the school year. I couldn't believe I finally had them all in one spot, all organized. But the tears started to flow when I realized that after finally having it all organized, it was going to be my last year to teach. My journey has taken a sidestep and I will need to walk another road after this school year. I love my job....actually I shouldn't even call it a job....it's a privilege...a blessing. I was blessed to be married to a precious man who let me pursue what made me happy...not what made the most money, not what would be practical with 3 girls heading into college. He allowed me to work where I wanted and volunteer where I wanted. He loved me that much....

I composed myself because my friend was coming to pick up some things..couldn't let her see me weeping...but then I caught 2 things out of the side of my eye and the tears just flowed again....

Why would I cry over PVC pipe and Easter eggs???? Because they would not be there if not for my sweet guy. He was the one that cut the PVC pipe for our stickhorses...and he was the one that sat for days drilling holes into plastic eggs so my class could make rattlesnakes. Love is drilling holes into 35 eggs times 12 students...that's 420 holes. How cute it was that he got a board, his drill and eggs galore and drilled sitting in his spot on the couch probably watching Everybody Loves Raymond!!

Crazy how the oddest things can bring the tears....but they bring smiles as well. I always knew I was loved unconditionally. I just wish I had another opportunity to tell him how much I appreciate his selflessness.

I have lots of things that I store up...anyone that knows me well knows that for sure....but no things matter...They are not worth storing if they are not ever used or enjoyed or appreciated. I want to make a point to finally use it or lose it as I go forward in my journey. This goes for things as well as relationships. As I move forward and declutter the storage of my home and of my heart....I hope to fill the new space with the thing that matters most....

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21

Time.....Sometimes time goes quickly...sometimes it stands still. As I get older it speeds up and my reference of when things have happened fades. But have you noticed that children are so good at remembering when things happened because they can reference it to a year in school, or an event in their life? 


2 years ago TODAY our lives changed....exactly 730 days ago was when we first heard the ugliest word we've ever heard...LEUKEMIA. The girls remember exactly where they were and they even remember where we ate that night. It's a blur for me. That day we heard that Dave had leukemia and it explained a whole lot of his mysterious infections from so many years before, or so we assume. At that point, we were told that Dave's numbers were at a good point where he did not need any treatment...but it could change at any time....and it did.


Never did it ever cross my mind that less than 2 years later I would be writing a blog about my journey as a widow...my journey as a single mom....my journey that is NOT my choice to take...but I will follow where the Lord leads me...but I'm not going to say I like it..and I'm thankful God loves me in spite of myself...


His eye is on the sparrow...and I know He watches me.....