Let go and let God...easier said than done...

Self-inflicted emotional pain. That is what happens when you don't "let God". Torment, anger, doubt, insecurity, jealousy, great sadness, inability to focus, allowing the devil to control all thoughts and deeds...this is what happens when you don't "let God". 

The past days have been the most emotionally painful I think I've had since Dave passed away. Just stuff that has built and built and exploded.  Words spewed like fireworks and singed everything and everyone they touched. If I had only "let God"...but for some reason I wanted to feel the burn. Who does that? I felt so out of control and so out of body. I didn't even know who I was, as if I were possessed.  My eyes were swollen from tears of self-pity. Focus? none.  Productivity? zero.   Heartache? 100% .....all because I didn't LET GOD.


Words can build but they can also break. I'm very good at breaking things. And once broken, it is so hard to repair. It's never quite the same. Mended on the outside but still crushed and crumbled on the inside...and you never quite know how much damage has been done. If I had only "let God..." because I was breaking too. 

God never left me these days. I can only imagine He was standing right beside me shaking His head watching me spin out of control and that He was ready to grab ahold right before I dropped. I know better. Why did I let myself get so far from Him? Ahhhh satan....I let him in. I let the evil one direct my steps instead of letting my loving Director. He surrounded me with earthly angels that cared for me in spite of myself. 



I asked people to pray for me because I just couldn't seem to do it myself. Why was I so afraid to "let God" in? It's not like He didn't already know what I had done...did I think I could hide?
But pray they did and words became softer and the warmth of peace filled me. I didn't realize how cold inside I had been. All evil seemed to melt away. Then and only then was I able to pray myself. Oh dear, now more tears, different tears, humbled and repentant tears, healing tears. 

And then....I "Let go and let GOD" and prayed. My Jesus Calling is always on my desk and the last page it was on was March 4th...20 days ago. I decided to flip to today's writing and there you go.......what? I was supposed to LET GO today. Go figure. 

I Choose JOY.....at least I'm trying to....

I CHOOSE .........
I AM TRYING TO CHOOSE......JOY

May 12th....here you are again...you are not my most favorite day of the year. It's not your fault...no offense....you will just never be a day that I look forward to coming each year. I try not to dwell, I try to keep distracted, I try to keep positive, I try to trust, I try to choose JOY. But on this not-so-joyful anniversary of the day my life changed forever, it's hard not to replay it all in my mind and be comforted to know this was God's will and it was part of His plan and that I need to be joyful in spite of it. 


You would think as the years pass that it would be better. It is in some ways, in that I'm not living in a fog and just going through the motions of life to get through each day. But most days lately I wish I still lived in that fog....and that I had the excuse to still be numb and naive.....to use the excuse that my husband just died and that is why "this" and "that" and "the other". But it's been 4 years and I shouldn't be feeling this way anymore right? No excuses, chin up...

As distance grows from May 12, 2012, I have realized my "aloneness" more and more. I'm more aware that I am alone in raising my girls, and taking care of this blasted house, and the cars, and the bills, and everything else that comes with the everyday drudgery of life on this earth. Yes, I know God is always with me. I sure wish He would pay the bills sometime. He could at least fix the darn fence. Miracles do happen you know. 


This morning I saw that Sarah Young, the author of "Jesus Calling" would be releasing a new 365 day devotional called "Jesus Always". They had a sampling of the new book to read and this entry grabbed my attention as I started my day and wondered about what I would blog about today. The word JOY kept coming to me. WHAT???? JOY???? yeah right, the anniversary of the day I had to make the decision to take the love of my life off life support...you want me to write about JOY????? 

Every year at Christmas, our local Christian radio station runs a campaign called #ICHOOSEJOY. They repeat the "joy pledge" many times during the holiday season, but it is definitely ingrained year-round. And how true...."When I keep my eyes on Jesus, I have joy." The situation might still be cruddy but it can be handled much differently than relying on myself. 




It's hard to understand that JOY is a choice. I want to feel joy without having to work for it. I don't want to have to search for it.  I want to wake up feeling it. But I think this is why I needed this devotion today. I make the choice how to approach the day. There is a lot of stress, anxiety and just plain crappiness that I can experience in a day, but how I choose to approach it is on me. Instead of trying to handle it myself, I need to remember "He will never leave me or forsake me" for He is my JOY. My favorite part of this devotion is the promise that "I will come back and take you to be with me in heaven--that you may be where I am forever..." And to that I say "Come quickly Lord Jesus". But until then, I am going to try to choose Joy. Dave would want it that way. He brought such joy...well a lot of the times he brought annoyance and aggravation but that's because he was being a goof when I was trying to be serious :) I guess most people that would see him would describe Dave as joyful....I didn't see it that way sometimes haha. But he was always smiling, even in the face of his illness.  There was an overwhelming peace he felt when he experienced God's presence in his hospital room and called me with tears of joy telling me about it. He was always so strong. 

I miss you my sweet guy more than any words I could write...that will never change. I can't wait for the day that the Lord brings me home and I get to see you again. Until then, behave....

Do not be discouraged......

In the past months gearing up to our fundraising efforts for the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society, I have questioned more than once do we even want to continue raising money for TEAM DAVE. There are so many other worthy charities just in our community alone. It's hard to ask people for money. We don't want the money, we want the cure. Unfortunately it takes money to find a cure. We have not pushed our fundraiser this year in the ways we have in the past. Why?

The Bible verse that we chose to be TEAM DAVE's verse is Joshua 1:9 "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” Discouraged...yep...that's what I have been...discouraged. Afterall he's been gone almost 4 years. What does it matter anymore?...let someone else do it now. There has to be some family out there that this loss is newer for them and it has more meaning because it's so fresh. But....does it truly ever get "stale"?

Fast forward to Wednesday, the night of our fundraiser at Zachary's. Great night, great food, great people and a great fundraiser. People who loved Dave, who love our family came out. And the one that especially stood out to me was someone that I didn't even know. I had some awesome friends handing out flyers in the front of the restaurant that night but I happened to grab a few and hand one to a young family coming in. When I said what we were raising money for the girl started to cry...she lost her dad to the same cancer a year ago that Dave had..in fact today is the one year anniversary of the day she drove him to the hospital with the fever...I can relate. Monday will be the one year anniversary of the day they intubated him and never got to speak to him again... I can relate...and in the days ahead will be the anniversary of the day that he lost his battle with AML and went to be healed eternally...again I can relate.

On the way out of the fundraiser, she was so awed by our fabulous music that she asked if she could get their information to hire them for a family gathering. I gave her my contact information and told her that it was a group of great musicians and singers that came together that night for the cause, but she could contact me when she was ready and I'd get her in touch to see what they could put together.

Today there is a message on the my phone from her but not about the music, instead wondering if I'd be willing to meet with her and her mom to just talk. I texted her back and told her that I would love to meet with them. We chatted for a bit and I said "when your mom is ready, I can be ready". She shared these words from her mom after that...."I don't want it to show me you can survive, because I know I can survive. I would like to see someone who can show me that there is a little glimmer of light in the future!"   And then the daughter wrote "Oh Momma, wait until you meet her!" I had only had maybe 5 minutes with this beautiful young lady that night, talking just in passing.

I always pray for God to show me my purpose. It's harder to see these days of just working and going to bed, waking up and working...you get the idea. Am I making a difference...for Him? It's not a glory thing I am after. I just want my life to mean something. I struggle so much with this in a daily routine that leaves little room for bringing people to know Jesus. I miss making a difference in children's lives each day. God's plan has me in a different place right now. So I wait for Him to show me where I need to be and what I need to be doing for His Kingdom.

And just maybe today's phone message brought me a glimpse of this plan. I've had a hard time getting together with other widow's. I'm so happy for the ones that can do it. I just can't. So what makes this one different? It might be because her story seems to be very close to mine...same disease, same last days...same wonder of the future.

Praying that as I prepare to meet with this special lady and the daughter that I will be strong and courageous, that I will not be terrified or worried, and that I will be encouraged that God has given me a way to shine a light for Him in a very unique and unexpected way.

Where you go I'll go, where you stay I'll stay

So I should be packing for Hawaii instead of blogging. You are going to Hawaii, you ask? Nahhhh, but I should be. Dave and I decided at our 20th anniversary not to go to Hawaii...it would be a better plan to go at our 25th. Well that is today. 25 years on the 25th. That makes it silver for 25 years and golden because of the whole 25/25 thing. That's neither here nor there. Truthfully, I could care less about Hawaii...but I'd sure love to have my guy here to go on a trip...even just to Walmart at this point...to get Christmas lights....that aren't LED...but I digress.

Never in my thoughts did I ever think I'd be alone at my age. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and they asked for all the couples to come out to the floor and little by little they called out years together until the last couples standing were at a fabulous 55+ years. What an awesome thing. I'm thrilled for all those couples...at 1 day or 55 years. The whole word "couple" is what got to me. So I sat, and watched, and felt a tear or two drop.

I guess it's just gotten so magnified lately how things have changed because I'm not a "couple". Dave and I were not prone to do couple things. In fact, it was very very rare in our 22 1/2 years that we did things with other couples. But lately it seems like more couples are going on trips together and outings together. What I never noticed before I so much notice now. And I hate that I notice.

And then there is this whole "widow" word........

The sermon a few weeks ago was about Naomi/Ruth/Boaz. A bible story we've heard before, but it hit me a whole other way that day, and every day since then. Boaz, the near kinsman, the kinsman redeemer...."in the law of Israel, a principle called the kinsman redeemer. When someone was widowed, it was the responsibility of an unmarried man in the family to take her as his bride, so that she was not destitute. Rather than take another woman out of a family, that family already should take care of its own, and so the law of what was called levirate marriage, kinsman marriage, was that the nearest unmarried man would take the widow for his own bride so that she might not be left destitute."

The way I took this was a male relative, who should act as head of the household, coming to the "rescue" of his female relative in her time of need. So it never crossed my mind the whole marriage meaning to this definition of near kinsman, but the thought crashed over me like a ton of bricks that day the lack of presence in my life of the 2 men that should be taking care of me....my brothers. Neither one is present in my life, and haven't been for a while. Let me clarify that this is perfectly okay with me. I've been there, done that, so over it. But this huge wave of hurt and disappointment has been weighing me down since that sermon thinking, wow, my own flesh and blood have NEVER cared to see how I've been doing these 2 1/2 years since Dave's death, but they never did in the years before either, so why does this surprise me? High expectations I guess. Oh, one of them did call the day after Dave died. I guess I should be honored since I hadn't heard from him 8 years prior since a disagreement over my dad's will. The other one, well he's just too wrapped up in his world to know that I exist or that Dave doesn't anymore.

So why, when I had resolved and had peace that they were no longer a part of my life did this painful crush come back to burden me?

I have pulled away from all the disappointment in my life. It's the only thing that makes sense to me to feel peace.  Dave is gone EVERYDAY, and everyday I need someone to truly care. And thank God they do.  The "Boaz" that has risen up in our lives are those friends that surround us every day. So many see a need that I don't even see and fill it. All I have to do is ask and precious people come to our aid. God has been so good to place these selfless people in our lives. You know who you are!! So if I hug you one day and call you my Boaz, I hope you understand. I see it as you taking care of me and the girls and I hope you know we notice and never take for granted a single thing that all of you have done for us these past years. Even if it's just to listen or giving us a hug.

So I'm not packing for Hawaii, but I'm just a bit jealous that my sweetie is spending our anniversary in a PARADISE far greater than any earthly tropical paradise. And if I know him, he's convinced our Maker that Coconut Rum IS heavenly, with a little Coke Zero of course :)

I love you 365 days a year.....

Ohhhhhh Valentine's Day....people either love you or despise you. I feel neither. Dave and I never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day. Oh wait, well our first Valentine's as a married couple he was out of town. So we celebrated on the 15th. The next year he thought it would be special to celebrate on the 15th again, but he forgot to tell me that. So I was pretty ticked on the 14th. So needless to say that tradition didn't last long. Nice try buddy. Then when little sweet baby girls came along, our Valentine's day became more of sharing our love as a family rather than just the two of us. Then.......I became a preschool teacher. And Valentines day was full of helping the little ones show their love for each other and for their families. So the gushy, smooshy love stuff that Valentine's might mean to some never really applied to us. Just a day to buy each other our favorite candy (or for Dave, his favorite pistachios).

Maybe we should have spent more time concentrating on each other, making the day more special, but we loved each other 365 days of the year. We were always so practical....So today didn't particularly bother me to be alone. It bothers me EVERY DAY to be alone. No more magnified today than any other. I can buy my own dang candy (and I did, hee hee). And I never wanted flowers...they weren't practical. They just
died, and I had to clean the nasty water, and it just wasn't......practical. But he still bought them. But one year, his brilliant self, bought me this felt/silk flower. You know, this everlasting "flower" that would forever show his love. Really? But I have kept this flower in a place that I see it every day, but never really look at it. Just a thing to take up space and collect dust.

But recently I looked at it closer. I never ever realized it had "I love you" embossed on one of the petals. How did I miss that? I saw it had some kind of design on it, but never knew it said "I love you". My guy was so sweet!!! Little did he know that buying me that lifeless flower he would be sending a message so much later of his love for me. I will cherish it even more now. I will remember his love was not just stronger on one day, but he loved me all 365 days.

Don't wait until Valentine's Day to show those around you that you love them. Never take for granted one single day. I'm glad I knew my guy's love everyday!! And I'm glad God has reminded me of that by using that little flower

24 years ago....'Til Death Do Us Part....#2...and it still stinks.....

24 years ago 11/25/89....'Til Death Do Us Part....#2...and it still stinks.....

I still can't figure out what that means..." 'Til death do us part"?????? Yeah, then what? I'm free? I can start again? I can do something different? Or do I continue on the same way..just alone? I hate that phrase....

It sounded so permanent at our wedding..." "til death do us part". Wow, this means a really long time...forever even....we will grow old together and it will seem like forever....so when we got old, when we died, we will have experienced all life had to offer....and then "til death do us part" was going to be okay because would have really lived life and would be ready to live forever in Heaven.

So that got screwed up.....by my standards. God's plan, God's plan, God's plan..yeah yeah yeah. I know there is a plan. HIS plan A, MY plan Z.....not my plan A....B...C or D..or.....or.......or

When you get it in your head that life is about growing up, getting married, having kids, having weddings, having grandkids, maybe even great-grandkids and the person you were supposed to share that all with is gone, it just seems like my story is over and I'm just in limbo. Yes, I will have weddings and grandkids and maybe great-grandkids (God willing) but it feels like something is so not right.

I have had several people ask me if I would date again, marry again. The question makes me want to puke. My response is "not unless God has a sick sense of humor". Been there, done that, not interested because I had the best and do not care to start again. For many reasons that are locked up in my little brain, it's not even a situation I care to ever entertain. Thinking a dog is more of a practical answer for companionship.

A while ago a friend who was just married 25 years posted some music from back then. Reminded me of the music that Dave and I would call "our" songs. One song in particular was supposed to be our first dance. But back in the days before iTunes and YouTube, we were at the mercy of the record stores and this one-hit wonder was not to be found. But I did find it on YouTube the other day and laughed because it sounded like it should have been in the movie "Rock of Ages" and cried because it was OUR song. So yes, I'm posting it so you can hear it. Missing my guy every single day, in so many ways. Thankful for the beautiful girls we had that comfort me and love me and make me proud. Happy 24th Anniversary honey..wish we were spending it together.....

When I'm With You Lyrics 

I never needed love like I need you
And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun
Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone
Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

I never cared for nobody like I care for you
And I never wanted to share the things I want to share with you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you...

"Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see"

(picture aboveborrowed from The Darting Sparrow blog)

Sixteen months ago already.....it seems like just a blink ago. In the hustle and bustle of getting 3 beauties ready to go off to college and starting my next step in the journey into this new world God has planned out for me, I haven't really had time nor taken the time to truly mourn. Today I woke up and just shook my head in bewilderment that it's been 16 months....I've been living in a fog. I think I was just doing what it took to get by. But now I have a lot of quiet time...time to reflect and reminisce and miss him, and mourn what never will be. I know the girls are hurting and are missing their daddy and I just have done what I needed to do to keep things as normal for them as I could so that at least something in their lives was constant.

But now as I sit here alone each day, I wrestle with the agony of knowing that there are things that need to change. The house being the biggest thing. It's too much to take care of, it costs too much to take care of, it's too big to be alone in. Now those that know me, know that I have plenty of stuff to keep this big house full and cluttered, but it's not full of the things that matter. I'm talking to fish, people!! This can't be healthy.

I have started the interviewing process after using the summer to research and rehearse and revise my resume, my life on paper. I have had 2 face-to-face interviews so far and praying that I hear good news. I'm ready to have a routine, whatever is going to be my new normal. Bring it on!!

I've heard it said the second year is the hardest.......You supposedly come out of this fog and BAM...it really is true and it still stinks. It's always going to stink. I think I'm to the mad part. And though "I know HE watches me", I'm just still mad. I love you Lord, but I am JUST MAD!! and sad....

I thank God for my friends and my community...you have been here for the girls and I, and continue to do so. I love when so many of you see things with birds on them, or something lemony, it reminds you of me or the girls and I hope you pray for us when that happens....sometimes I'm just too mad to pray....

But deepest down I know that God loves me and has a plan for me...of course it's not my plan. Not quite sure how His plan is better than mine was, but I'm ready for the big reveal. Can't imagine I will go "OH! I get it". How can a plan without my sweet guy in it to share my days ahead be better?....but I will trust...and wait....and try not to be so mad...

You know my family is deeply moved and defined by music. So many times God gives us a song at just the right time...for a moment, or a day, or longer. I was introduced to the songs by a singer named Audrey Assad by my dear friend Brian. I am in love with her music and her voice and of course how I first noticed her music was when I saw a song in the playlist called "Sparrow". Of course I had to listen to it. Click on this link to listen...

The history of the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow" as written on the blog The Darting Sparrow:

A woman named Civilla Martin wrote the lyrics to this hymn.  Here is the story behind it, in her own words:

Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York.  We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle, true saints of God.

Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years.  Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair.  Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them.

One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it.  Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me.  The hymn "His Eye is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience....

The next day, Civilla mailed the poem to Charles Gabriel, who supplied the music; 

One line in the 2nd verse of the traditional song is one I never noticed until now but is so fitting for how I feel especially these days...

"Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;"

I only see one step at a time...but I know He leadeth me...and He watches me....I will trust this...