Where you go I'll go, where you stay I'll stay

So I should be packing for Hawaii instead of blogging. You are going to Hawaii, you ask? Nahhhh, but I should be. Dave and I decided at our 20th anniversary not to go to Hawaii...it would be a better plan to go at our 25th. Well that is today. 25 years on the 25th. That makes it silver for 25 years and golden because of the whole 25/25 thing. That's neither here nor there. Truthfully, I could care less about Hawaii...but I'd sure love to have my guy here to go on a trip...even just to Walmart at this point...to get Christmas lights....that aren't LED...but I digress.

Never in my thoughts did I ever think I'd be alone at my age. I went to a wedding a few weeks ago and they asked for all the couples to come out to the floor and little by little they called out years together until the last couples standing were at a fabulous 55+ years. What an awesome thing. I'm thrilled for all those couples...at 1 day or 55 years. The whole word "couple" is what got to me. So I sat, and watched, and felt a tear or two drop.

I guess it's just gotten so magnified lately how things have changed because I'm not a "couple". Dave and I were not prone to do couple things. In fact, it was very very rare in our 22 1/2 years that we did things with other couples. But lately it seems like more couples are going on trips together and outings together. What I never noticed before I so much notice now. And I hate that I notice.

And then there is this whole "widow" word........

The sermon a few weeks ago was about Naomi/Ruth/Boaz. A bible story we've heard before, but it hit me a whole other way that day, and every day since then. Boaz, the near kinsman, the kinsman redeemer...."in the law of Israel, a principle called the kinsman redeemer. When someone was widowed, it was the responsibility of an unmarried man in the family to take her as his bride, so that she was not destitute. Rather than take another woman out of a family, that family already should take care of its own, and so the law of what was called levirate marriage, kinsman marriage, was that the nearest unmarried man would take the widow for his own bride so that she might not be left destitute."

The way I took this was a male relative, who should act as head of the household, coming to the "rescue" of his female relative in her time of need. So it never crossed my mind the whole marriage meaning to this definition of near kinsman, but the thought crashed over me like a ton of bricks that day the lack of presence in my life of the 2 men that should be taking care of me....my brothers. Neither one is present in my life, and haven't been for a while. Let me clarify that this is perfectly okay with me. I've been there, done that, so over it. But this huge wave of hurt and disappointment has been weighing me down since that sermon thinking, wow, my own flesh and blood have NEVER cared to see how I've been doing these 2 1/2 years since Dave's death, but they never did in the years before either, so why does this surprise me? High expectations I guess. Oh, one of them did call the day after Dave died. I guess I should be honored since I hadn't heard from him 8 years prior since a disagreement over my dad's will. The other one, well he's just too wrapped up in his world to know that I exist or that Dave doesn't anymore.

So why, when I had resolved and had peace that they were no longer a part of my life did this painful crush come back to burden me?

I have pulled away from all the disappointment in my life. It's the only thing that makes sense to me to feel peace.  Dave is gone EVERYDAY, and everyday I need someone to truly care. And thank God they do.  The "Boaz" that has risen up in our lives are those friends that surround us every day. So many see a need that I don't even see and fill it. All I have to do is ask and precious people come to our aid. God has been so good to place these selfless people in our lives. You know who you are!! So if I hug you one day and call you my Boaz, I hope you understand. I see it as you taking care of me and the girls and I hope you know we notice and never take for granted a single thing that all of you have done for us these past years. Even if it's just to listen or giving us a hug.

So I'm not packing for Hawaii, but I'm just a bit jealous that my sweetie is spending our anniversary in a PARADISE far greater than any earthly tropical paradise. And if I know him, he's convinced our Maker that Coconut Rum IS heavenly, with a little Coke Zero of course :)

I love you 365 days a year.....

Ohhhhhh Valentine's Day....people either love you or despise you. I feel neither. Dave and I never made a big deal out of Valentine's Day. Oh wait, well our first Valentine's as a married couple he was out of town. So we celebrated on the 15th. The next year he thought it would be special to celebrate on the 15th again, but he forgot to tell me that. So I was pretty ticked on the 14th. So needless to say that tradition didn't last long. Nice try buddy. Then when little sweet baby girls came along, our Valentine's day became more of sharing our love as a family rather than just the two of us. Then.......I became a preschool teacher. And Valentines day was full of helping the little ones show their love for each other and for their families. So the gushy, smooshy love stuff that Valentine's might mean to some never really applied to us. Just a day to buy each other our favorite candy (or for Dave, his favorite pistachios).

Maybe we should have spent more time concentrating on each other, making the day more special, but we loved each other 365 days of the year. We were always so practical....So today didn't particularly bother me to be alone. It bothers me EVERY DAY to be alone. No more magnified today than any other. I can buy my own dang candy (and I did, hee hee). And I never wanted flowers...they weren't practical. They just
died, and I had to clean the nasty water, and it just wasn't......practical. But he still bought them. But one year, his brilliant self, bought me this felt/silk flower. You know, this everlasting "flower" that would forever show his love. Really? But I have kept this flower in a place that I see it every day, but never really look at it. Just a thing to take up space and collect dust.

But recently I looked at it closer. I never ever realized it had "I love you" embossed on one of the petals. How did I miss that? I saw it had some kind of design on it, but never knew it said "I love you". My guy was so sweet!!! Little did he know that buying me that lifeless flower he would be sending a message so much later of his love for me. I will cherish it even more now. I will remember his love was not just stronger on one day, but he loved me all 365 days.

Don't wait until Valentine's Day to show those around you that you love them. Never take for granted one single day. I'm glad I knew my guy's love everyday!! And I'm glad God has reminded me of that by using that little flower

24 years ago....'Til Death Do Us Part....#2...and it still stinks.....

24 years ago 11/25/89....'Til Death Do Us Part....#2...and it still stinks.....

I still can't figure out what that means..." 'Til death do us part"?????? Yeah, then what? I'm free? I can start again? I can do something different? Or do I continue on the same way..just alone? I hate that phrase....

It sounded so permanent at our wedding..." "til death do us part". Wow, this means a really long time...forever even....we will grow old together and it will seem like forever....so when we got old, when we died, we will have experienced all life had to offer....and then "til death do us part" was going to be okay because would have really lived life and would be ready to live forever in Heaven.

So that got screwed up.....by my standards. God's plan, God's plan, God's plan..yeah yeah yeah. I know there is a plan. HIS plan A, MY plan Z.....not my plan A....B...C or D..or.....or.......or

When you get it in your head that life is about growing up, getting married, having kids, having weddings, having grandkids, maybe even great-grandkids and the person you were supposed to share that all with is gone, it just seems like my story is over and I'm just in limbo. Yes, I will have weddings and grandkids and maybe great-grandkids (God willing) but it feels like something is so not right.

I have had several people ask me if I would date again, marry again. The question makes me want to puke. My response is "not unless God has a sick sense of humor". Been there, done that, not interested because I had the best and do not care to start again. For many reasons that are locked up in my little brain, it's not even a situation I care to ever entertain. Thinking a dog is more of a practical answer for companionship.

A while ago a friend who was just married 25 years posted some music from back then. Reminded me of the music that Dave and I would call "our" songs. One song in particular was supposed to be our first dance. But back in the days before iTunes and YouTube, we were at the mercy of the record stores and this one-hit wonder was not to be found. But I did find it on YouTube the other day and laughed because it sounded like it should have been in the movie "Rock of Ages" and cried because it was OUR song. So yes, I'm posting it so you can hear it. Missing my guy every single day, in so many ways. Thankful for the beautiful girls we had that comfort me and love me and make me proud. Happy 24th Anniversary honey..wish we were spending it together.....

When I'm With You Lyrics 

I never needed love like I need you
And I never lived for nobody, but I live for you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Maybe it's the way you touch me with the warmth of a sun
Maybe it's the way you smile, I come all undone
Oooh, babe, lost in love is that I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

I never cared for nobody like I care for you
And I never wanted to share the things I want to share with you
Oooh, babe, lost in love is what I feel when I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you

Baby, oh I get chills when I'm with you
Baby, my world stands still when I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you
When I'm with you...

"Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see"

(picture aboveborrowed from The Darting Sparrow blog)

Sixteen months ago already.....it seems like just a blink ago. In the hustle and bustle of getting 3 beauties ready to go off to college and starting my next step in the journey into this new world God has planned out for me, I haven't really had time nor taken the time to truly mourn. Today I woke up and just shook my head in bewilderment that it's been 16 months....I've been living in a fog. I think I was just doing what it took to get by. But now I have a lot of quiet time...time to reflect and reminisce and miss him, and mourn what never will be. I know the girls are hurting and are missing their daddy and I just have done what I needed to do to keep things as normal for them as I could so that at least something in their lives was constant.

But now as I sit here alone each day, I wrestle with the agony of knowing that there are things that need to change. The house being the biggest thing. It's too much to take care of, it costs too much to take care of, it's too big to be alone in. Now those that know me, know that I have plenty of stuff to keep this big house full and cluttered, but it's not full of the things that matter. I'm talking to fish, people!! This can't be healthy.

I have started the interviewing process after using the summer to research and rehearse and revise my resume, my life on paper. I have had 2 face-to-face interviews so far and praying that I hear good news. I'm ready to have a routine, whatever is going to be my new normal. Bring it on!!

I've heard it said the second year is the hardest.......You supposedly come out of this fog and BAM...it really is true and it still stinks. It's always going to stink. I think I'm to the mad part. And though "I know HE watches me", I'm just still mad. I love you Lord, but I am JUST MAD!! and sad....

I thank God for my friends and my community...you have been here for the girls and I, and continue to do so. I love when so many of you see things with birds on them, or something lemony, it reminds you of me or the girls and I hope you pray for us when that happens....sometimes I'm just too mad to pray....

But deepest down I know that God loves me and has a plan for me...of course it's not my plan. Not quite sure how His plan is better than mine was, but I'm ready for the big reveal. Can't imagine I will go "OH! I get it". How can a plan without my sweet guy in it to share my days ahead be better?....but I will trust...and wait....and try not to be so mad...

You know my family is deeply moved and defined by music. So many times God gives us a song at just the right time...for a moment, or a day, or longer. I was introduced to the songs by a singer named Audrey Assad by my dear friend Brian. I am in love with her music and her voice and of course how I first noticed her music was when I saw a song in the playlist called "Sparrow". Of course I had to listen to it. Click on this link to listen...

The history of the song "His Eye is on the Sparrow" as written on the blog The Darting Sparrow:

A woman named Civilla Martin wrote the lyrics to this hymn.  Here is the story behind it, in her own words:

Early in the spring of 1905, my husband and I were sojourning in Elmira, New York.  We contracted a deep friendship for a couple by the name of Mr. and Mrs. Doolittle, true saints of God.

Mrs. Doolittle had been bedridden for nigh twenty years.  Her husband was an incurable cripple who had to propel himself to and from his business in a wheel chair.  Despite their afflictions, they lived happy Christian lives, bringing inspiration and comfort to all who knew them.

One day while we were visiting with the Doolittles, my husband commented on their bright hopefulness and asked them for the secret of it.  Mrs. Doolittle's reply was simple: "His eye is on the sparrow, and I know He watches me."

The beauty of this simple expression of boundless faith gripped the hearts and fired the imagination of Dr. Martin and me.  The hymn "His Eye is on the Sparrow" was the outcome of that experience....

The next day, Civilla mailed the poem to Charles Gabriel, who supplied the music; 

One line in the 2nd verse of the traditional song is one I never noticed until now but is so fitting for how I feel especially these days...

"Though by the path He leadeth, but one step I may see;"

I only see one step at a time...but I know He leadeth me...and He watches me....I will trust this...

"And the two shall become one....'til death do us part"

'Til Death Do Us Part.....

Twenty-three years ago, almost to this very minute, Dave and I were lighting the candles symbolizing our lives coming together,  from two to one.

"For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Gen 2:24. 

 I remember vehemently saying I would never say "obey" in my wedding ceremony...I was an independent, strong woman, and there was no way I was going to be oppressed by saying "obey". But it was explained to me that obey was to respect Dave as the head of our household. Oh, okay....then I can say it!!  And this was something for almost 23 years that I never had a problem "obeying"! Yes, there were many times, sometimes on a daily basis I would question or argue his decisions. Either they did not fit my plan, or they were just plain wrong..in my eyes. But they were always about things that didn't matter in the long run. When it came down to the important things in life, that is where I respected his authority as head of the household. And that brought me comfort knowing he was taking care of things, and taking care of us.

So this "two shall become one" thing....never had a problem with that. It is perfect description of a Godly marriage where you walk as one, in following God's plan for your life, respecting each other and living a life loving God, loving each other, loving your family and those that God has placed into your path, living a life of devotion, dedication, integrity and gratuity. Two walking the same path are stronger and there is nothing, with God's help, that you cannot overcome. 

So that brings us to "Til Death Parts us". How does this work? First we said "two shall become one...then "til death parts us". What happens now????? Am I a half? Am I back to being one again? I didn't get any say-so in this....I don't want to be a half, or back to being my own one. But I have to and I don't know how to proceed. And I just feel very very lost.....and empty.

Twenty-three years is a long time....and do you know how many anniversaries in 23 years I remember vividly? Two!! Sad but true. I remember our 15th because we spent it in Eureka Springs. I remember our 22nd because it was spent in a van driving back from Arkansas to get home to see Julie who had gone to the last A&M/TU game and could not join us in AR for the family gathering. And why don't I remember the rest? Because Dave and I were practical. My birthday is the Nov 16th and our Anniversary is Nov 25th and Thanksgiving was in there somewhere every year and Christmas not far behind. One year, Dave tried to give me one diamond earring for my birthday and one for my anniversary. He never tried that again. But in our practicality, we would overlook or let our anniversary celebration pass by usually doing some home improvement as a gift to each other and usually never even went to dinner. A lot of our anniversaries were spent on a Thanksgiving trip to Arkansas with Dave's family because of how the date fell. It was our choice to not celebrate it as it should have been...and it was only today that I realized how resentful I was of that. I have no memories of the most important date in our marriage because we just didn't take the time to reflect, remember, reminisce about the day that God joined us as ONE.

For our 20th anniversary we were going to take a trip to Hawaii...not sure why we didn't..something practical I'm sure..so we pushed it to our 25th. Oh well.....  And last year's anniversary gift was when my love decided to get up early one Saturday morning and buy all brand new Christmas lights for the outside of the house. By the time I woke up, the lights were almost put up and all working. What a precious gesture...right?.....well his sweet gesture to me did not include what I truly wanted and instead what he wanted which was LED lights. I hate LED lights. I wanted my house to be warm and inviting and instead it looked like Disney's electrical parade. So as sweet as it was that he intended, those lights will NOT be up on my house this year. Partly because I HATE LED lights, and partly from the sadness it brings that he is not here to put them up for me, and another part of my joy in ragging at him for buying LED lights (had to throw that in there). But it was just one of the things that he did to take care of us, to make it nice..it might not have been totally what I wanted, but he showed me his love through all kinds of gestures that I miss so very much.

We used to sit and try to remember our first song.......of course he couldn't really remember because I was the one that got to pick the sappy lovey dovey first song..and with Dave listening to RUSH, Black Sabbath, Lynard Skynard and the Rolling Stones, I wasn't sure exactly what kind of "love" song I was going to get if I let him do the picking. So our first song was Kenny Rogers "Crazy": 

I guess I'm crazy
Crazy for you can't you see
Although you may think it's crazy
Here it's where I'll always be
And I need you with me

'cause you are the dream
That finally came true in me
In all my life there'll be no one else
If I looked all my life
There could be no one else
And for the rest of my life
All I need is you.

And then there was another dance together with "Could I Have This Dance" by Anne Murray:

I'll always remember the song they were playin'
The first time we danced and I knew
As we swayed to the music and held to each other
I fell in love with you

[Chorus:]
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life
Would you be my partner every night
When we're together it feels so right
Could I have this dance for the rest of my life

I'm thinking I did pretty good...two songs...sappy and loving and wedding dance perfect...but the moment that he ALWAYS remembered was our last dance that night..the song he got to pick...and as we danced to it and I sang it into his ear (and as I just looked up the lyrics realized after 23 years that I got about half the words right), he used to tell me that everything around us faded away and he just remembers the two of us together dancing......"Dreamin" by Vanessa Williams

I'll be dreamin', dreamin'Hopin' baby you will be there
And we were there..there for each other for almost 23 years. And I can think of no place I would have rather been....I wish God had it in HIS plan that we had more time together. We had plans of travelling...selling the house and getting a travel trailer and seeing the country (hahahahaha). The girls would say "you will kill each other being together all the time like that." We loved the joke!!
I am blessed to look into my three beautiful daughters' faces and see our love being lived out in them. They loved their daddy so much and how blessed they were to have such a special man in their life that they looked up to, who showed them how to love and be loved as an example of what we pray for in their own lives...and to not settle for anything less than a Godly man, who will treat them as their father treated me until his last breath. 
I'm so sad on this day not to be sharing it with my love, but I am blessed to have the many wonderful memories that I hold so dear. And I thank God that He allowed me to have Dave even if it was for a little while.....

In My Heart I thought of you with love today,

but that is nothing new...

I thought about you yesterday,

and days before that too.

I think of you in silence,

I often speak your name.

Now all I have are memories,

and your picture in a frame.

Your memory is my keepsake,

with which I'll never part.

God has you in Heaven,

I have you in my heart.

Author Unknown

The Last "I love you"

It was about 3:30am on May 8th when we said our last "I love you's".  Though we didn't know it would be our last. He was having a hard time breathing, but kept pulling off the mask they had put on him..he felt too claustrophobic. I had tried to settle into my chair while they worked and worked on him. But I heard the nurse call my name in the early hours to tell me that they needed to intubate him. Okay sure, do what you need to do to help him to breath. I didn't know that when they asked me to leave the room while they intubated him, that when we said "I love you", it would be our last. Just our usual, "I love you", "I love you too". No big deal...they would help him breath for a while until they made him all better. 

I remember the before, the during and the after in those wee hours, but it's a blur. I remember leaving to go home after they asked me to leave his room so I could shower and pack a few things to come back. I had not slept, but going home I felt okay...until "Hurt and the Healer" came on the radio on the ride home. 

"Even though a part of me has died...."

I felt like it was a message....I had been listening to songs the whole ride home, but this one made me stand up and take notice and I hung on every word....and that "part of me had died" resonated in my head. 

As I headed back to the hospital after no sleep, by the grace of God I got back there safely. I think I fell asleep more than a few times driving back. I just needed to get back.....

I no sooner arrived back to his room when a brazen doctor outside his room said to me "are you by yourself?" .... "yes"......"well you need to have some family with you"..."huh?" I was thinking that she felt I needed some company to keep me occupied for some reason...it was odd to me...I told her I was okay alone. Then she repeated herself..."you need to call your family to come." WHAT???? And let the blur and numbness begin.....and I've been on autopilot since. 

Today I remember our last "I love you" as I picked up my diamond in it's new setting. I cried all through this process. The moment the jeweler popped it out of it's old setting, simultaneously the tears began to flow knowing that part of my life was over...just another nasty reminder. When they were showing me new settings for the ring, I saw many that were so pretty, but I kept coming back to this "broken heart" setting...the pointed bottom of the heart was cut out..for a diamond to be set in it's place. I kept looking through pages, but kept coming back to that. I had found it..the new home for my love's gift to me....a broken heart filled with the diamond that represented his love for me. And I chose it for my love for him...for he will always be forever in my heart....

How do you measure time?
In seconds? minutes? hours? days? months? years?
Sometimes time takes forever,sometimes it goes too quickly. SOMETIMES IT JUST STANDS STILL....

4 months ago, 123 days ago, 2952 hours ago, 177,120 minutes ago, 10, 627,200 seconds ago my life changed forever.
10,627,199 seconds ago I was married and 10,627,200 seconds ago I became a widow. What a difference a moment makes....

I just was thinking today of time because I thought of all the things we were going to do...in time. Instead of going to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary, we decided on our 25th. Now I look back and think..why didn't we do the 20th, or the 21st or the 16 1/2. What does time matter? If you wait to do things until a certain moment in time, it might be too late. I will never get to do all the things we planned...in time....because time in that chapter of my life is forever stopped.

I think about milestones......anniversaries and birthdays celebrated in 5 year increments once you reach a certain point. Does it make those years inbetween any less significant? You don't see napkins that say "Happy 54th birthday", or "Happy 23rd Anniversary". My sweet guy will never celebrate his 54th birthday. And we will never get to celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary. We never knew our 22nd anniversary would be our last and I don't think we even celebrated it because it fell on Thanksgiving weekend and we were traveling. So our last anniversary together was spent traveling in a van. But at least we were together...

"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." 

How many times have you said "SOMEDAY"? How many times have you said "LATER"? I've said it plenty of times. And there are so many of my "somedays" and "laters" that are now "NEVER".

This is not to say that every "someday" and "later" were ever going to be feasible, practical, or attainable. Just that now they will never be.

Take a moment to think about things in your life. And then rethink...do something out of the ordinary, out of the norm, out of the routine. Just trying to get myself to think of time more...I waste time and you can't get it back as hard as you try. I watch endless episodes of TV shows that I have seen dozens of times...wasting time....time not serving God, time not being productive, time not blessing others. Wasted and lost time.

Sometimes our time is lost on things that will never be again....relationships that were not meant to sustain every season of our life. I want my time left on this earth to be blessed not stressed!! I want my time left to be spent with those that uplift rather than drag down. I pray that use my time being a lifter and not a dragger.

As I write this...4 months ago almost to the very minute, my hand was on my sweetie's heart waiting for him to take his last breath on this earth. Time stood still in that moment. I was surrounded by people, but yet everything around me faded as it was just my moment with him...his last moments, my last moments....and when he breath his last breath at 11:45pm...at 11:45pm and 1 second I was very aware of what a difference a moment makes.....Be aware of your moments..and treasure each one......