How do you measure time?
In seconds? minutes? hours? days? months? years?
Sometimes time takes forever,sometimes it goes too quickly. SOMETIMES IT JUST STANDS STILL....

4 months ago, 123 days ago, 2952 hours ago, 177,120 minutes ago, 10, 627,200 seconds ago my life changed forever.
10,627,199 seconds ago I was married and 10,627,200 seconds ago I became a widow. What a difference a moment makes....

I just was thinking today of time because I thought of all the things we were going to do...in time. Instead of going to Hawaii for our 20th anniversary, we decided on our 25th. Now I look back and think..why didn't we do the 20th, or the 21st or the 16 1/2. What does time matter? If you wait to do things until a certain moment in time, it might be too late. I will never get to do all the things we planned...in time....because time in that chapter of my life is forever stopped.

I think about milestones......anniversaries and birthdays celebrated in 5 year increments once you reach a certain point. Does it make those years inbetween any less significant? You don't see napkins that say "Happy 54th birthday", or "Happy 23rd Anniversary". My sweet guy will never celebrate his 54th birthday. And we will never get to celebrate our 23rd wedding anniversary. We never knew our 22nd anniversary would be our last and I don't think we even celebrated it because it fell on Thanksgiving weekend and we were traveling. So our last anniversary together was spent traveling in a van. But at least we were together...

"Don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today." 

How many times have you said "SOMEDAY"? How many times have you said "LATER"? I've said it plenty of times. And there are so many of my "somedays" and "laters" that are now "NEVER".

This is not to say that every "someday" and "later" were ever going to be feasible, practical, or attainable. Just that now they will never be.

Take a moment to think about things in your life. And then rethink...do something out of the ordinary, out of the norm, out of the routine. Just trying to get myself to think of time more...I waste time and you can't get it back as hard as you try. I watch endless episodes of TV shows that I have seen dozens of times...wasting time....time not serving God, time not being productive, time not blessing others. Wasted and lost time.

Sometimes our time is lost on things that will never be again....relationships that were not meant to sustain every season of our life. I want my time left on this earth to be blessed not stressed!! I want my time left to be spent with those that uplift rather than drag down. I pray that use my time being a lifter and not a dragger.

As I write this...4 months ago almost to the very minute, my hand was on my sweetie's heart waiting for him to take his last breath on this earth. Time stood still in that moment. I was surrounded by people, but yet everything around me faded as it was just my moment with him...his last moments, my last moments....and when he breath his last breath at 11:45pm...at 11:45pm and 1 second I was very aware of what a difference a moment makes.....Be aware of your moments..and treasure each one......

"Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart" Winnie the Pooh

This week was my first days back to a regular routine. It was so nice to wake up with a purpose and a place to go. Then there was today, Friday..my first day "off" to be spent any way that I wanted.

Several years ago Dave's company changed their hours to working 4 longer days and a shorter day on Friday. So at 1pm every Friday, the familiar sound of the key in the door and in came my sweetie. He went straight to the closet, changed clothes and into the backyard he went. The routine was to first put the radio on in the yard, usually the babbling of Rush Limbaugh, and before starting chemo, pouring a Coke Zero with some coconut rum and maybe a cigar. And there he was...floating in the pool, his happy place. And that is what I saw each Friday afternoon as the weather permitted. And because it was not my happy place, I stayed inside and did whatever made me "happy". What I thought I saw and what I really saw were two different things as I'm now finding out.

What I thought I saw was him just relaxing and what he really was doing was taking care of us: he was brushing the pool, cleaning the skimmers, pulling the weeds, fertilizing, watering, washing the cars, changing lightbulbs, picking up the garbage cans that were continually knocked over by creatures, and so much more than I realized and have yet to realize. How did I think those things were happening? Did I notice, or did I even care? Of course every day I discover so much more that he was doing out of love for us and for taking care of us. I now notice nothing blooming because it's not being watered or fertilized. I notice the pool turning green because it's not being taken care of. I notice that weeds because they are not being pulled. I notice brown branches and stems because they are not being trimmed.  I notice...I notice...I notice....now....how many times did I thank him for taking care of us with what seemed like such simple things? Those simple things that are so magnified now.

Today I realized how much I missed the back door opening. My first Friday back to the routine, and 1pm came and went and no door opened. So yes, you guessed it..I cried. Actually I cried much earlier than that when I realized the door was not going to open at 1pm. How much I missed seeing my boy floating in the pool with a Coke Zero and a cigar and yes, I can't believe I'm going to say this....I wouldn't mind the Rush Limbaugh babble either.

I am so very very grateful and thankful for all my precious friends that have been there for me these months. You were there before, during,  and you are still here now. I appreciate all the little things and all the big things you have done to care for me and the girls, and show us that we are loved. My thank you notes still sit here, with no good excuse for not being sent. I hope you all know that each and everything little to big thing has not gone unnoticed by me or the girls. We are overwhelmed by the outpouring of love for us.

I encourage each of you to find love and joy in the small things.  Don't let them go unnoticed. The things you take for granted might be the very thing you'd miss if it was gone. Take a moment to acknowledge the small things or big things that others do that are really being done from the heart. They might not even realize they are loving you by doing it....and what a difference you will make in their life, and yours, by noticing it........

The Broken Chain

The Broken Chain

We little knew the day that

God was going to call your name, 

In life we loved you dearly, 

in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you, 

but in God we put our trust, 

In times as difficult as this, 

faith is such a must.

You left us peaceful memories, 

your love is still our guide, 

And though we cannot see you, 

you are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken, 

and nothing seems the same, 

But as God calls us one by one, 

the chain will link again. 

Ron Tranmer

My chain is broken, my link, my circle, my safety, my protection, my lifesaver, my forever.......on Earth...that is....

Today I woke up to find a little string stuck to a prong on my engagement ring..no biggie..but I know it was something from God so that I would notice that a top of one of the other prongs of the ring had broken off...probably in one of the many moves with the girls and thankfully by seeing that string, it let me see the broken one before the diamond was lost.

So I wept...and wept....not because the ring was broken...I knew it could be fixed...but because I would now have to take the ring off to be mended. In 22 1/2 years of marriage, I can't remember many times that this ring has left my finger. It was taken off during 2 c-sections, and maybe for squishing up some meatballs. It was a part of me, and it just never left my hand. Once when my girls were little the same thing happened and we had it fixed, but then my sweetie was here to put it back on my finger. So I wept again. So then comes the question, "when is the right time to take your wedding rings off?" No one can give you the appropriate answer...there is no right or wrong time. But I wanted it to be my decision, not the decision of the metal device that was cutting my forever from my hand. 

I had to get to my classroom, so I put a band-aid over the ring to protect the diamond until I could get to the jeweler. I stopped to get a diet coke (surprise) at the Chevron and I hear a song playing...dang it...don't cry, don't cry, don't cry in the middle of the Chevron....Too late...So before I tell you the song, I will tell you a small side story. The wonderful parents that Dave and I were, one of the movies we loved to watch was "The Bodyguard". Okay, don't judge. We love the music, and aside from the inappropriate scenes & language, hey, we liked the story. So as strange as it may seem to you, it is one movie that is "special" to us because of the memories watching it together. So ready for the song? "I have nothing" by Whitney Houston. But the line that was playing when I noticed it was this...

"Don't make me close one more door...I don't want to hurt anymore..."

I just thought...don't make me do this...don't make me take this ring off before I was ready to...I don't want to face the door that is already closed, I don't want to hurt today over this. It has already been hard enough the past few days having the girls leave...I was already "mourning" the loss of them leaving, I didn't want to revisit something today that I had the rest of my life to deal with. 

So as I watched the jeweler cut my circle, my link, my forever, off my hand it just made me feel like a part of me was being taken away....again.....and I felt incomplete and unconnected to the source of what held our family together.

But of course in another moment I knew very well my forever is in Christ and although a link of our life is missing, that HE will fill it, grasp it,  to hold us in place until that time that we can join HIM in Heaven and link us together once more. 

And that little thread on my ring?...a reminder from God that there is strength in numbers. My precious friends that came to my rescue today in posts, texts, calls, and cupcakes  :) to lift me up and love on me so that I had the strength to keep going....showing me God's love through them...So I link to HIM....

"Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."  Ecclesiastes 4:12 

Yesterday I started another journey within my journey. I rejoined Weight Watchers. I had worked so hard to lose weight over a year ago..and then just let it all go and stopped walking and started mindless eating until I gained it all back, plus 13 more pounds. I have no one to blame but myself. Can't blame my situation either.  Just got lazy. It's hard work to lose weight and exercise....and it comes back on a lot faster than it takes to lose it. And I knew what I was doing, but didn't care. It was easier to just go out and buy bigger clothes again rather than stop to plan and make better choices. 


But now....I begin again....I'm embarrassed and sad that I let it come back to this, but last night at my meeting I was welcomed back with open arms. I have a precious leader who's husband is going through chemo at MD Anderson. He has been through a lot, but yet he sits at the desk to great all of us and encourage us no matter what the scale shows. They have both been on this journey together...in weight loss and now in the journey to battle his cancer. And then there is her mama, that comes to every meeting too. She's so precious!! Their day begins by making sure mama has all she needs for her diabetes, and he has what he needs for his chemo but yet they smile....the light of God shines through them!! 


So I begin again....one step at a time....knowing that I'm not expected to run the mile, but knowing God will give me the strength go to the distance...and loved at every step of the way no matter what!!

Today I got to spend the entire day with a very dear friend. Well sort of.....I was blessed to be able to be there for her to take her for an outpatient procedure. She was so sweet because at one point she said she was sorry...because she did not realize that being in a hospital would be hard for me. No big deal...wasn't even the same situation, so it wasn't going to be hard.


Well my sweet friends' recovery went longer than it was planned, so you know me..I don't know a stranger and befriended a dear lady in the waiting room. I had a fabulous conversation with her about her family. She was 1 of 9 children. Her mom lived until the age of 87 and her dad lived until 107 (and died with all his own teeth and not a cavity to be found)  Her aunt is still alive at 101. I asked her what she attributed their long life span to and she said the only thing she can think of was no processed foods..(hmmmm as I was drinking a big ol' diet Coke).


So then she asked me about my story....and so I told her how life has been lately. Not sure what I said that made her say this, but she said I was an "inspiration" to her and was impressed that I could be there in the hospital after only 2 months of Dave being gone. Again, what's the big deal? It's not even the hospital that Dave was in when he died, so not even the same scenario. 


The nurse came to get me, it was time to take my friend home. Got to the recovery room and the nurse started to tell me what we needed to know to be able to take her home, what meds she needed to take..how to take care of the wound, what she could and could not do. And then it happened...thankfully my friend was completely out of it from pain meds...the tears just poured...and poured....the memories just came flooding back like a giant wave. But not of Dave, but of my mom. 


My mom has been gone for 24 1/2 years. She died when I was 24yrs old (so now you know my age).  She was sick for nearly my whole life with one thing or another. I can't remember a time that she was well. When I was younger, she was sick with Psoriatic Arthritis, which I was bummed to inherit. They did not have the meds like they have now for arthritis, so I always remember her having so much pain. When I was in my teens, she became a diabetic and she did not take care of herself and had a stroke. Who found her? Me. Who called the ambulance? Me. Who ALWAYS had to call the ambulance? Me :( My dad did not handle stress well, so he would "check out" to go smoke a cigarette when things got beyond handling.) So there I was, left as child/teen/young adult, left to make decisions that I did not want to make. 


Twenty-five years ago, this past Wednesday I know exactly where I was. While my sweet niece was born in a hospital across town, I was in another hospital with my mom while she was having her leg amputated from gangrene. A few days prior I was out of town for a friends' wedding and came home to find my mom's leg full of gangrene...but dad was too upset to call the ambulance once again, so there I was again calling to get her to the hospital. When the surgery was over, dad was not with me in the waiting room so they came to me to ask if we wanted to keep the leg. "Excuse me?, Um why would I want to do that". I was told that in some religions they do not believe the body is whole if it's not buried together, so they wanted to know if I wanted the bury the leg. Um, no. I told them to to throw it out, ugh!! 


There is so much more to the story of caring for mom during this time and the time from her amputation to her death in February 1988 from complications due to her uncontrolled diabetes. I saw more and did more for my mom than any child should have to. And this is why the tears started...the flood of uncontrollable tears that had me think of who would take care of ME now? I would never want my girls to do for me that I did for my mom. I took care of Dave, he took care of me. And I just stood there looking at my sweet friend thinking all I had to do was get her home and her husband was there to take over. 


I do want to say that my dad was a wonderful man. He loved my mom so much that it hurt him so bad to see her hurting that he just could not handle it and needed help getting her the care she needed. I don't hold it against him...it took me a while to figure it out, but I finally understood it. He really did take amazing care of her, and it's hard when someone does not want to care for themselves. There is only so much you can do. My dad has been gone 8 years..I'm sure that is a whole other blog....


I know if and when the time comes, that God will provide the perfect person to care for me....be it family or friends. In my weak moment today it also reminded me why I am strong. Each experience I have had has made me stronger, but I am reminded that I am not strong on my own....I know I get my strength from above....

I lift up my eyes to the hills- Where does my help come from?

My help comes from the LORD, the Maker of heaven and earth.

He will not let your foot slip -

He who watches over you will not slumber;

Indeed, he who watches over Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.

The LORD watches over you

The LORD is your shade at your right hand;

The sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night.

The LORD will keep you from all harm -

He will watch over your life;

The LORD will watch over your coming and going

Both now and forevermore.

                                                       Psalm 121

Looking back, looking forward..these days I'm all over the place...in my thoughts, in what I do, in what I'm supposed to do, what I should have done....And it will never make sense...and for someone who is a perfectionist, this causes a lot of anxiety...


Looking back....2 months ago today I had to make the hardest decision I've ever had to make. The girls and I with friends and family at our constant side had to make a decision to remove life support of the person we loved the most on this earth. And it just did not make sense.....

Because looking back....on the very day this picture was taken we had just found out a few hours before that not one, but two bone marrow donors had been found for Dave.....so it didn't make sense that 5 days after this picture was taken I was told that I needed to call family because sepsis had taken over and there was no hope.....and that just did not make sense......

Because looking back......The Lord had come to Dave while in the hospital during his last round of chemo. It was something we did not share on facebook because we wanted Dave to tell it as his testimony...but he never got to tell it...except through the written word. Helena had given him a journal before he went in for his last chemo to journal his journey. We are so thankful that he documented his experience and Pastor Brian shared at Dave's service....

Looking back...it didn't make sense..... 


because looking forward.....we felt like Jesus was saying it was all going to be okay.....


because looking forward.....we were told a few days later 2 donors were found.....


but looking back now it seems....the Lord was looking forward to be there one step ahead of what was to come....HE never left us, HE was always there..and HE was right..it was all going to be okay...but not the okay we had hoped for...complete healing on this earth....so now...


looking forward...we try to live with God's plan for us....not a new plan for HIM, it was always HIS plan we'd be at this place. It sure isn't our plan though. But we know HE will never leave us or forsake us.....because...

"The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."     
                                                             Deuteronomy 31:8

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal." Matthew 6:19

Why am I showing you a picture of my storage room? What could possibly be in there that is worthy of talking about today? It's not what is IN the storage room, it's the storage room itself. My sweetie built this room for me so I that I could move all my boxes from Aggie Moms and preschool into it, the boxes that blocked his table saw. He never really had a project to use the saw, but you never know when he was going to need it and it was as constant battle for space in the garage. So out of love, he built me a room to store my things rather than make me quit the very things that caused such clutter in our life. How's that for love?? :)

Yesterday was the first day I have been in the storage room since before Dave went in the hospital for the last time....and I did okay getting some things I needed to get for someone. But then I turned and really looked and just wept and wept and wept....

So there it is...nothing worth crying over...the middle shelf stores all my preschool boxes, in order of theme of how I use them in the school year. I couldn't believe I finally had them all in one spot, all organized. But the tears started to flow when I realized that after finally having it all organized, it was going to be my last year to teach. My journey has taken a sidestep and I will need to walk another road after this school year. I love my job....actually I shouldn't even call it a job....it's a privilege...a blessing. I was blessed to be married to a precious man who let me pursue what made me happy...not what made the most money, not what would be practical with 3 girls heading into college. He allowed me to work where I wanted and volunteer where I wanted. He loved me that much....

I composed myself because my friend was coming to pick up some things..couldn't let her see me weeping...but then I caught 2 things out of the side of my eye and the tears just flowed again....

Why would I cry over PVC pipe and Easter eggs???? Because they would not be there if not for my sweet guy. He was the one that cut the PVC pipe for our stickhorses...and he was the one that sat for days drilling holes into plastic eggs so my class could make rattlesnakes. Love is drilling holes into 35 eggs times 12 students...that's 420 holes. How cute it was that he got a board, his drill and eggs galore and drilled sitting in his spot on the couch probably watching Everybody Loves Raymond!!

Crazy how the oddest things can bring the tears....but they bring smiles as well. I always knew I was loved unconditionally. I just wish I had another opportunity to tell him how much I appreciate his selflessness.

I have lots of things that I store up...anyone that knows me well knows that for sure....but no things matter...They are not worth storing if they are not ever used or enjoyed or appreciated. I want to make a point to finally use it or lose it as I go forward in my journey. This goes for things as well as relationships. As I move forward and declutter the storage of my home and of my heart....I hope to fill the new space with the thing that matters most....

"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."

Matthew 6:19-21